Note: Almost two months have passed since this has been written. This is not a post for social media, a passing scroll, nor is this a passing moment. The events that have taken place in the past week have transformed my soul, my entire being, and my entire meaning for being on this planet. As…
I fear my depression is returning. When I awaken, my eyes feel glazed, my heart beats slowly, and all I wish is to close my eyes until the next morning sun. Maybe then I will open my eyes to a brighter day. Walking to the fridge to fill my empty glass with water is a task, opening my front door to step out into the world feels almost impossible. Thankfully I have a partner who helps me during these times, one who puts my needs first, but the burden is heavy and I wish to do my part to heal the parts of myself only I can heal.
As someone who wishes to create healing retreats for others in which we find peace and solitude together, I find myself hesitant to write these words, but healing from depression and speaking of it is very important, I feel. For the sadness causes you to feel so completely alone, with nothing to look forward to, nothing to take you from this place of emptiness that wallows in your stomach, causing a painful ache.
But we do have social media. We have television. We have movies. We have socially acceptable vices that we place in front of us when our emotions are moving downward. Bad day at work? Your favorite show is waiting. Feeling alone? All your friends Instagram stories are within your fingertips.
But these are mere band-aids that do not begin to heal any part of the actual problem. Our addiction to technology and our mindless consumption of material that is not thought-provoking in the least, is leading us into this world I fear to be a part of.
I’d like to end on a happier note. At the beginning I mentioned healing, holistic retreats together, and this is something I truly want to manifest and am working towards. Perhaps the depression and anxiety I have felt my whole life is teaching me how to help other heal from such paralyzing ailments.
Today I went on Instagram Live via @canna_chill! I was chillin’ on my porch and had an idea I’ve had many times before which was to get on live, smoke it up and talk about meditation and breathwork – connect. However, this day, I put my idea into action and set up my bedroom for a quick smoke sesh, chat + guided meditation. What I expected to only be a 10 minute live ended up being over 20 minutes due to engagement with the audience! After the 10 breath guided meditation and an additional hit, I felt sky high.
However, about, maybe an hour or so later, perhaps even sooner, I began to feel down. The high of connecting with other beings and successfully working towards a future goal had dissipated and I was left with a numbness, just staring at the far north wall in my bedroom. What I had accomplished no longer felt like anything at all. And it fucking sucked.
The day continued into the evening and the numbness remained. Around 9 p.m. I took a shower and rediscovered Rainbow Kitten Surprise and my happiness was restored. Now when I ponder of the events of today, I feel happ(ier).
But that’s emotions, man. We’re always ebbing and flowing, going through the ups and downs, and it will never end. It’s equilibrium. It’s everything.
If you didn’t catch the IG Live, no worries at allll. You can find it here. I plan to do it much more often because in the midst of the live, in the present moment, I was happier than I had been in a while.
Thank you to everyone who joined!
