I fear my depression is returning. When I awaken, my eyes feel glazed, my heart beats slowly, and all I wish is to close my eyes until the next morning sun. Maybe then I will open my eyes to a brighter day. Walking to the fridge to fill my empty glass with water is a task, opening my front door to step out into the world feels almost impossible. Thankfully I have a partner who helps me during these times, one who puts my needs first, but the burden is heavy and I wish to do my part to heal the parts of myself only I can heal.
As someone who wishes to create healing retreats for others in which we find peace and solitude together, I find myself hesitant to write these words, but healing from depression and speaking of it is very important, I feel. For the sadness causes you to feel so completely alone, with nothing to look forward to, nothing to take you from this place of emptiness that wallows in your stomach, causing a painful ache.
But we do have social media. We have television. We have movies. We have socially acceptable vices that we place in front of us when our emotions are moving downward. Bad day at work? Your favorite show is waiting. Feeling alone? All your friends Instagram stories are within your fingertips.
But these are mere band-aids that do not begin to heal any part of the actual problem. Our addiction to technology and our mindless consumption of material that is not thought-provoking in the least, is leading us into this world I fear to be a part of.
I’d like to end on a happier note. At the beginning I mentioned healing, holistic retreats together, and this is something I truly want to manifest and am working towards. Perhaps the depression and anxiety I have felt my whole life is teaching me how to help other heal from such paralyzing ailments.
